God Struggling To Feign Happiness After Jesus Announces He Marrying Exotic Dancer From Place Off I-95

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THE HEAVENS—Straining to react to the surprising engagement announcement with a measure of enthusiasm, God, Our Heavenly Father and the Creator of the Universe, reportedly struggled to feign happiness Monday after Jesus Christ informed Him that He would be marrying an exotic dancer from a place off I-95. “I should have paid more attention when He kept making earthly appearances at some place off the Jersey turnpike called Centerfolds, but I never expected He’d suddenly be telling me He proposed to some stripper He barely knows,” said Our Lord, stressing that while He held nothing against the 22-year-old beauty school graduate and had always encouraged His son to reach out to those at the margins of society, there was “no way in hell” that He would be allowing Christ to get married to someone named Cinnamon. “All I could do was keep smiling and nodding while He went on about how artistic she was and how He already felt like a father to her two kids. I can tell you this much, though: There is no goddamn way I’m letting the son I sent to die for humanity’s sin throw away His life like this.” At press time, He Who Commanded the Light to Shine Forth From The Darkness went on to note that He would be changing His will in the next few days just in case His son disobeyed His wishes.

 

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WTF

Now you know where the last supper took place, but they didn’t want you to see the strip club buffet in the painting

Although, it is rare for a man to want to marry an exotic dancer, but ... the idea that Jesus had a wife? Your article, really made me think all the bad stuffs today, I became misguided, & sinned 😣

I think I've actually seen that place. Never been, never want to, but I've seen it

thank god its not cincy i95

Jesus!

He was whipped, crucified, and spent 3 days in a moldy cave ...he deserves to be happy. Also, given his shenanigans with Mary Magdalene, I think I see a pattern.

Approved by Motley Crue

Well, I've heard from Mary's gardener that the bride-to-be has already got one in the oven, and J. said he will call him Putin The Second, and the Man at The Top of the Stairs is furious!

Bet she really knows how to 'wash his feet.'

“God, I mean, why can’t you just be happy for us?!”

God made her especially in his image

With a quick stop into Wawa after the ceremony.

Horrid

Well, He did find her in the Bible Belt.

And now for the first time in public, put your hands together for Jesus and Cinnamon Christ!!

Not funny 😏🙄

Now I'm jealous....Jesus said I was his only love

This image of god looks a bit like Jason Mantzoukas.

God probably should have seen this coming when Jesus hung out with Mary Magdalene--and because he's God.

'I'm not letting you take over the family business with this this this wh***!'

must be the place in the Carolinas advertised on billboards 100 miles in either direction - dammit I'm drawing a blank as to the name 🙃

The best clubs are all in Providence, RI. Ironic, no?

it doesn’t matter to god if you marry an exotic dancer. he draws the line at 95

Eh, good for Jesus. Sometimes you find love in the least likely places

i know that place...make great wings

Lol...'...Him that He..' 😇😅

Although, this is taboo, & this theory hasn't received further research, hasn't been approved by the church, but there are several manuscripts that write that Jesus had a wife when he wandered in this world. Her name was Mary Magdalene.

And that's how I met your mother

The pains of being a parent

Mary Magdalene declined to comment.

her name bubbles

Pebbles is definitely the strippers name…..

So what if her name is Nugget?

Only thing my uncle has in common with Jesus.

Oh I know that place! Yeah their dancers are heavenly.

There's nothing funny about Jesus.

ArkMoFarmer . Not to smart .

TheTweetOfGod

That's cause he won't stop singing 'I'm in love with a stripper.' Thanks, T Pain. 🤣🤣🤣

Well, he would die for her.

I think thegoodgodabove would be cool with it.

I thought Mary Magdeline was a prostitute

And Jesus said unto his followers, 'We can still order another bucket of beers at happy hour price if we get it in before 'Pour Some Sugar On Me' is over.' And yay how his disciples agreed and hence summoned Jasmine to the table.

Lol

He BE marrying.

It's Cinnamon, isn't it? That jezebel.

Ah that Jesus guy, ya never know what he is gonna get up to!

What’s wrong with exotic dancers?

And it’s true

joannalamblooby Everyone else: congrats Pat Robertson: boy or girl?

Wasn’t she working at Garden of Eden, over by the airport?

I don't get it. I must be missing some kind of inside joke?

She's a nice girl.

I bet she's a great conversationalist

Heather be her name....

Oh no you’re making a joke about God and Jesus let me get outraged and demand you take this down....

At least she isn't from Florida.

Hosea married a prostitute

God'll come around when he finds out that Candy only works there for the drugs.

'As a Catholic, I'll pray for them, ' - Nancy Pelosi

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