Study Finds All-Consuming Self-Pity Best Way To Win Back Ex-Partner

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CHICAGO—A study released Thursday by the University of Chicago’s Department of Psychology has found that debilitating self-pity is the most effective strategy to win back the love of a former romantic partner. “Our research shows that the more you lament your current situation, fixating on how you’ll never find anyone as good as your ex and how you can’t possibly enjoy life now that he or she is gone, the sooner that person will return to you and say he or she can’t live without you,” said report co-author Sylvia Hawkins, adding that researchers discovered a link between sitting on the couch all day staring teary-eyed into space and one’s former partner walking right back through the door. “The data revealed that ex-partners are twice as likely to call you up and say that the breakup was the biggest mistake of their lives if you torture yourself incessantly until you can barely function at work. Furthermore, we determined that there was a direct correlation between how much you feel sorry for yourself and the probability of an ex-lover desperately begging you to forgive him or her for leaving you.” The report also concluded that holding your head up high and moving on with your life virtually guaranteed that you would never find love again.

 

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I knew I was right I just have to keep at it!

i didn’t know he knew how to read 🤔

The formula works.

If you really want to seal the deal call them 25 times around 3am drunk and crying, it will bring out their nurturing side!

EVERY one if my sister's exes 6 months after a breakup. Treat her like shit the whole time then end up crawling

A lifestyle choice so trendy it has a movement named after it

My apology.

It always has been. Not a new development.

I love onion tweet, there is almost always one whooosh in the comments

Or you can just both get drunk, make bad decisions, and save the self-pity for later

But how does it compare to stalking?

Idk I mean I ate myself into morbid obesity and high blood pressure, so, it can't hurt to try an alternative

Then I must be doing something WRONG as I'm 0 for 7 with this approach.

priscillasatori going to bed nao lol

Don't forget threatening suicide, that's important too.

Tried that, didn't work! Neither did groveling or begging. Women are complicated. They need to be wooed. Tell her that you just won $60M in the lottery. That will bring your little 'lovebird' back! Or at least until she hires a 'hitman'!

Shiiiit! It didn't work for me! 🥴

I knew it!!

I didn’t need this at 11 on a monday

Uh...no.

It helps to show your whiny feminine side.

And sneaking into her house and sniffing her socks. No proper lady can turn down a man like that.

Ya cutting deep

Does it also work for getting a new partner?

Didn’t work for Robin Thicke lmao

hahahaha

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