We all know what it’s like to feel resentful at times. Some people begin to resent their partners due to an unequal division of labour at home, while others develop resentment at work when their contributions go unrecognised.“Resentment is a state of anger and unhappiness due to feelings of being treated unfairly,” explained Dr
To encourage this growth, HuffPost asked Beresin, Geering and other experts to break down some parenting behaviours that may contribute to resentment and to share some healthier approaches to consider.“Some parents are inconsistent, at times being overindulgent – allowing or giving treats, bending the rules, letting infractions go without punishment or at least conversations – while at other times they are excessively strict,” Beresin said.
She suggested telling your six-year-old that you understand they might be disappointed they can’t stay up as late as their older sibling, but explaining that their body needs more rest – and that they get to do things their big sibling can’t do anymore, like having a longer recess at school and getting less homework.
Instead, try to adopt parenting language that builds connection rather than resentment and disconnection. Ask kids questions about how they’re feeling or why they think they’re acting in a certain way to encourage problem-solving and growth.“While all kids need expectations for proper, kind, respectful, dutiful and trustworthy behaviour, some parents impose their own ideals, aspirations and missions on and for their kids,” Beresin said.
“Then a thoughtful, caring parent can help them understand what they did, where there is a weakness, and address the issue,” Beresin said.“For parenting and for children and teens learning the skills needed for achievement, let’s remember the famous quote from Donald Winnicott, Telling your child they should appreciate all the things you do for them and praise your parenting suggests that their feelings don’t matter.“You might have a child who is disappointed the day has to end, is probably exhausted from all of the new experiences, is concrete in their thinking and is thinking about the here-and-now, or is self-centred as children are because of their developmental age and maturity,” Lockhart said.
“The actual value of the gifts doesn’t matter – it’s the perceived slight that sticks in the child. This is why regular check-ins are so important. If a parent notices the older child is acting resentful – which might manifest as being mean to the younger sib, acting out against the parents, or talking back, to name a few – it’s time to bring this up in a connecting manner. ‘Hey, kiddo. I noticed you’ve been a little short with your sister.