Bad relationships can have an addictive quality that makes it hard to break up, or to stay broken up.Relative shifts in a bad relationship paradoxically can make it more appealing.session. “I … got back together with Mark.” My eyebrows went up as I failed to keep my neutral therapist face. Mark had proven himself to be a bad boyfriend—he lied, secretly kept in touch with exes, and often dismissed Maggie’s feelings—and she had already ended the relationship three times.
I recognized a common pattern in Maggie’s relationship with Mark. Most of the time he was a lousy partner—but not always. At times he could be great: affectionate, complimentary, considerate. He knew all the right things to say to Maggie, and when things were good it felt like she was meant to be with him. “I don’t know if I’m ready to give up what we have together,” she said. But the good times never lasted long.
Mark’s bad spells were beyond the normal ups and downs of a healthy relationship, and he was clearly bad for Maggie. What made it hard for her to break things off for good?bad. Sometimes a partner who’s bad for you can do good things, as Maggie found. Laboratory studies with nonhuman animals have shown that it’s really hard to stop a behavior, like being with a bad partner when it occasionally pays off.
Research has shown that a variable ratio reinforcement schedule leads to very persistent attempts by the animal to get the reward because. One more press of the lever might bring the food. One more round of slots could hit it big. One more try with that partner could lead to their best version.The inconsistencies of a bad relationship create another paradox: The bad times make the good times feel even better.