Assuming I should just suck it up, how can I feel better about this? I know they want the best for me and don’t want me to miss out on opportunities, but I’m starting to feel as if I need to be perfect to be loved.Oh, my. Would you please put this lovely, wrenching account to paper, to hand to your parents? Asking children to perform instead of live is parental malpractice.If it helps you get through to them: Outside pressure sabotages motivation and ability to perform.
So, no replenishment + extra burn + resentment=sputtering out, if not this July then in late fall or next spring or even in some year of your sure-to-be-excellent college. You’re old enough to put your own value on your schooling, so if they want you to have internal motivation — the only type that lasts — then they need to stop ramming their ambitions in where they perceive yours to be flagging. Such motivation demands that they start trusting you to judge what you need, to be wrong, to figure it out.Plus, the consequences of stumbling are smaller now. If you burn out as an adult, then you could lose your livelihood, life partner, savings.
Your parents are worried about you. That’s understandable. But hoping to achieve you out of their worry almost always backfires. You’re right to think “suck it up,” only because, at your age, you have limited options to resist besides burning it all down, which hurts you more than it does anyone else. But you can make your case, respect yourself, grow wise right under their thumbs. You don’t need their permission to be whole inside.
· Professor here, seconding Carolyn’s advice and sending lots of encouragement. You are not alone in trying to navigate a complicated relationship with your parents. You articulate so precisely what you need and what the stakes are that I have lots of confidence in your ability to navigate this. Cheering you on from afar!