Long-Time Employee Will Always Be Remembered For Sticking Around Too Long

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CHICAGO—Fondly reminiscing on the decades he’d spent wasting away at the same thankless job, employees at Venture Manufacturing told reporters Wednesday that their departing longtime coworker Dale Tabak would always be remembered for sticking around far too long. “While we’re sad to see Dale go, we’ll never forget how he dedicated himself to this business and overstayed his welcome here by five, 10—God, probably 15 years,” said current supervisor Robert Iles, adding that everyone would deeply miss the workplace veteran and his stories about old colleagues, bosses, and CEOs who moved on from the company years ago, something Tabak really ought to have done himself. “I know that when I got here, Dale was the first to welcome me with open arms, and even though we’d just met, I could already tell this was a person who had let his early talents atrophy and then deteriorated into a ghost of his former self. There was something almost charming in his stubborn, old-school ways, and his total inability to adapt to any changes in his workflow after 2010 or so. When you look at his capacity for coasting off the general goodwill of his fellow employees, and for ignoring every single hint that it might be time to look for work elsewhere—well, let’s just say we’re not likely to see his kind again.” As they toasted his future, Tabak’s soon-to-be-former coworkers said they hoped that wherever he ended up, the 51-year-old would be able to keep a low profile, stay out of everyone’s way, and stick it out until retirement.