MOTALA, SWEDEN—According to a report published Friday by researchers from Lund University, the fossilized skeleton of an ancient man revealed that he likely died from being smashed in the skull by an archaeological pickaxe.
found carved into the pickaxe’s handle. “What’s interesting is this injury exists in conjunction with fissures along his femurs that suggest he was also struck with a shovel. We’re also studying an alternative hypothesis that he died after falling out of a truck bed and then getting backed over by a pickup. Apparently, this Scandinavian tribe was
a remarkably violent people.” At press time, Fransson added there were signs the tribe felt remorse, as evident by the crude effort that had been made to glue the skeletal fragments back together.
Sorry, mistook it for a bone block. I needed some bonemeal.
Ever wonder why everything they find is dead? Yeah ... Murder!
We used to call that ‘injury’ “the point of discovery”!
A couple of friends and I were out on an archaeological dig using explosives when we found the fossilized remains of a Neanderthal... We concluded that it had died from being blown up by dynamite.
mikejcurnow Shortcut for an easy life
He was bitten in the eye ball.
Guess he'll be back at base for a while 🤕😲😅
I am able to deduce that this man died on Halloween because he was dressed as a skeleton.
Died in battel of basterds, he was in jon snow's army.
Tut.
More likely a mattock. ;)
Who the f*** is using a pickaxe in a dig
Dammit TheHardingHat
It seems the person waited too long for his dentist 😁
I love the Onion! My favorite headline? “134-year-old man attributes long life to typographical error”
Is that you Cain?
Trotsky ?
All them grave robbers of the old days went to college.
Oh wow 🤢🤮 Makes me sick that the walk away Scott free.. these archaeologists !
Onion delivers where SNL fails.
Lol. I think that every time I see a skull dug up with a hole in it.
Never disappoints
ooh, who's trying to destroy evidence? 🤔
No sh*** Sherlock!
I scroll read that as 'Pixie' 🤣
Makes sense. How else would they know where to look unless they placed it.
or did an archaeologist worker had hit in the wrong place?
Surprising prevalence of blunt force trauma in the stone age.
Why am I laughing so hard
🤣
As I read this, I'm watching Bill's and Ted's Excellent Adventure. Seems appropriate.
RIP
Eneticckk it's a little known fact about the human body..so when you breathe with your lungs, generally you expect a good flow of oxygen circulating. In his case, what actually did him in was snorting all that dirt and dust. itsabitmuch
He was alive before they dug him up! How dare they!
Reminds me of this scene from Arrested Development.
This is awful poor man. Apparently further examination showed his head had also been cut off, possibly by a medieval excavator bucket. His descendants intend to sue John Deere
Is it too soon?
Funny that’s exactly how Apram died in this 2800 year old Assyrian library
Oh man.
junetree I can’t tell if this is a joke or real 😭😭 but so cool!! This is what I wanted my job to be 😍😍😍
The dirt nap gets an extension.
SeanDestry At least guy still has better teeth than George Washington
They are a mean bunch those scientists
Post-colonialism
Oh my god is he ok?
That's what he gets for checking out the girls as they pass by. You know his wife or girlfriend did it. Just look at Tiger Wood when his wife almost uses a Driver on Tiger's head. Instead just busted the back window because Tiger was checking out the other girls, literally.
Misanthropologist
That is some impressive archeological research! Call in the guys from Time Team.
i always just think of arrested development
Not sure if the joke here is that an archeologist damaged an ancient skull or murdered a modern colleague 💀
He did see that comming in retrospect..
Dean Martin voice 'ain't that a pickaxe in the head'.
🤯
wally_polischuk 😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂
Lundsuni Fantastisk upptäckt av Lundaforskare 😊
I cannot BELIEVE the excellent condition of that pickaxe!
Too funny
D'oh!
This showed up in my “science” feed. I guess Twitter doesn’t understand humor or science
But whodunit?
Huh
critical hit
🤣
Damned murderous archaologists! Ban pickaxes!
It would be scientifically more funny had you said “Ancient man liked to sleep in mud and dirt”. Keep trying and some say you might be funny, scientifically.
Ah, the afterlife.😌
put that shit away hahahaha
JimmyDetroit1 I laughed out loud!
I feel like the onion isn’t relevant anymore because of four years of fake news attacks and actual ridiculous news stories that were real.
Overhead at the scene of the dig just prior to the discovery were seven archeologists singing in unison. “Heigh-ho, heigh-ho ... Oh!”
🙆♂️
rk70534
I read that and I thought, what? Then I saw it was .
Happens quite a bit😁
Too soon.
I actually laughed out loud😂
KrinkleKult Zoom has killed the Onion
you assumed his gender
I scrolled too fast to only read the captions: 'Jee, you don't say' Explainer: it's The Onion
jjjinvesting ha ha ha, I literally laughed out loud! 🤣
I'm afraid it was Covid,...sob.
davegreenidge57 Headline slayed me. Thanks for the hearty guffaw!
Smashing!
bluthquotes you've got thing for this, right?
They always return to the scene of the crime, which in this case, took 7500 years.
Way to go dumbass!! 🤪😎
he survived millions of years in the dirt only to get taken out by a nerd with a pointy hammer! :O
Agatha Christie’s The Mystery of the Murder of the Ancient Archaeologist.. .. ..spoiler alert.. .. ..the ancient butler did it.
Oh how horrible...