NEWBURYPORT, MA—Panicking after encountering the information while reading through an article online, new parents Lindsey Conway and Michael Rhodes reportedly freaked out Tuesday upon learning that babies can often live up to 100 years. “Oh God, we got this baby thinking it would just be a few year commitment, tops,
” said Conway, who grew increasingly distressed with her partner as she discovered that some infants can be expected to grow up to six feet long. “Jesus Christ, do you know how much feeding this thing is eventually going to cost? And it’s not even going to stay that cute. It looks like they can get pretty dangerous after the first decade or so.
pleasehaikuthis
Time for a late term abortion
It's not that bad when you compare them to Baby Yoda, who can live until 900
The payback happens when the kids have to change the parent’s diapers.
Not true. While the babies themselves could end up living that long, they wouldn’t be considered “babies” after about 2-3 years.
I didn't know this! How come they can live longer than us? This is some bullshit
He looks like a 40 year old man baby
Thanks, made me laugh😆😆😆😆
500k to raise a kid in Australia, that’s 1.5 mill for my brats, if one died I coulda saved 300k or something, ahh well
Oh no...
Don't worry in America, the average, is only 78.54 years (and trending downwards).
My Baby
Well. Technically yeah haha
xayala2612
They don't have to.
I mean with today and future technology this could be possible.
The best part of an Onion post is counting how many replies say 'I thought this was supposed to be satire!'
This is not satire
They soon realized they wouldn't be moving out until age 75
It's like a mortgage loan. But worse.
Some of them even more than that! Fact!
Yeah they can get OLD 😳
When you look into your new born’s eyes, think of this: If they average one pound of poop, everyday, over 100 years, that’s 36,525 pounds of poop. That’s f***ing impressive. You’re welcome. Merica.
That is an extremely aggressive & invasive species!
Only the first 40 years are difficult...
I thought The Onion was supposed to be satire! 😂😂😂
dumbass babies only live for like 2 years then become kids
Yeah. Abortion rules ARE too strict.
i mean you kick them out at 18 so whats it matter
we can turn that to 12 easily .👀
holy shit, thanks onion I didn't know this, they really should explain this in the manual
I never knew that
don't👏get👏pets👏if👏you👏can't👏commit👏to👏their👏 lifespan 👏
throw the whole baby away
Man, when they figure out they were babies too, they're really going to feel the pinch.
wtf, is that true!
wait until they find out that they have to raise that thing
C_Goscinski just a reminder 😂
Not if WE have something to say about it!
jjjinvesting Relax, they won't be babies for 100 years.
Also, it takes 2-3 years to toilet-train them.
But you can release them into the wild after only 18 years.
Can always go with post natal abortion!
“Do we take them back and get a refund?”
A life long commitment, especially if you bring up your children with no sense of personal responsibility. ;-) Bring up your kids so that when you die, they will be sad but have already learned self reliance.
EmilyShuki Are you sure we want to go through with this?
thahn7
Shocking!
dallascampbell
True, look at the democratic party 🤣
LouisGawin
yikes. i heard that gen z stays in baby form for at least 30 years.
Live to 100 years? In the US? Wish this was true.
Guy: Karen, this one is definitely gonna live longer than Scruffy. Time to buckle down.