freshman who absolutely cannot hang, sources confirmed Monday that fucking lightweight Riley Kinnebeck was hospitalized for coronavirus on his first night of college. “Seriously, though, who coughs until they collapse and?” said residence hall
mate Troy Lovell, who noted Kinnebeck already seemed feverish and short of breath as they pregamed in a fellow freshman’s dorm room. “We wouldn’t have even brought Riley with us to the Delta Sig party if we knew hthree seconds of his first keg stand before starting to wheeze. I was trying to talk to this girl, and
she was all like, ‘Is that really sick guy your friend?’ Then the ambulance totally killed the vibe, with the EMTs trying to get him conscious and all. I guess maybe don’t get coronavirus if you can’t handle it. What a bitch.” Student sources also contrasted the lightweight Kinnebeck’s humiliation with heroic exploits of fellow freshman Bryce Viello, who was powering through his coronavirus like a total fucking legend.
Way back when men where men the only ones that got sick were already dead.
Pussy
It kills all ages
Phi Beta Weiner
I help write a halfassed local Onion wannabe called The Poulsbonaut. I like to get drunk and wander through Onion replies blatantly begging for followers. Here's some dumb shit we posted just now. Thanks for considering us for your Twitter satire needs!
Shouldn’t have skipped leg day. Coulda outran it.
This one is a wee bit out of my comfort zone.
Please I took fists to face and kept walking. Bitch can't even handle a virus.
Probably got suspended for 4 games.
SamSheehan I thought this was a picture of you for another bit
Just tryin to get the full college experience before it closes. Gonna drink too much as soon as he gets out.
TAKE ALEVE ,IT HELPS ALOT
Oh my Gawddd! Bad onion!
This ain't no lightweight! This is a super heavyweight:
FRESHMEN-19
The joke is on the college that opens at all.
That's not right!
Twisted can bitch slap this wussy boy.
Too soon
A great way to get out of classes.
Never an excuse for missing football practice, bro.
Pussy
Holy shit lmao
Thank god, im afraid of fucking.
Yppp
Yp
UnmaskedAggies relevant
Onion, I'm disappointed. This picture really needs dicks drawn on this guy's face to make it believeable.
What a wuss. And what a breath of fresh air you are.
🤣
what a dweeb
In my day all freshmen were required to somehow get themselves hospitalized in the week before class started. Real men and women were we.
😂
Please donate or retweet.
Doesn’t even look like ICU...amateur
I fucking love these
Culling the scholastic herd.
GratefulKids Be like Bryce
Then he can forget about pledging the Omega Theta Pi house
This could be an actual realDonaldTrump tweet 🤦🏼♂️
callum_may
With the medical & college debt he's about to face. He'll wish he died.
JimBobKingman 😂
Thanks for carrying the torch that was lit by the Harvard Lampoon. Your courage to post he right stuff ant the wrong time is appreciated
heyheyitsmejohn _bethcab_ istalkdesi JessicaYepez88 toonaluna
what the brilliantly unstoppable writers from The Onion really mean by this is we should take good care of ourselves and other people ❤️
Totally on JV
What a puss.
LukeDeHahn 💀💀💀
Rookie
😂😂😂
So he got exposed to the virus 2 weeks before he showed up and it finally showed up right when he got to college...
profgalloway Germane to the ongoing conversation.
RedwineSigEp 😂😂😂
euanken
Well, look who's finally wearing a mask.
Kakkarotftw too true
I’m old enough to remember when The Onion was satire.
COVID-19 ? More like YOLO-19, amirite?
F
Absolutely Brilliant!
Too soon or too late?
chaddychoo
Agree. He lost to frickin' 19. I'd make up a better story using CoViD 1 or 2. But 19? That's like practice squad CoViD or something.
Lollll BenSotoKarass
deserves a Pulitzer
Partied a lil too hard
Dont worry
To the team running this site your slaying it😹
Brilliant
gatechkids haha get it pls someone save us
zoomers these days, smh. when I was a kid, if you got the plague, you died like a MAN.
Fuckin’ loser. Embarrassing.
I told him he needs to make sure he eats his veggies!
Yolo
Wow. Covid 19 has been around since 1993 and this guy is freaking out about it now. Terrible.
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