Biden Defends Past Inappropriate Touching Of Women As Symptom Of Stuttering Hands

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DETROIT—Opening up about the lifelong struggle that has been a source of embarrassment and frustration, Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden defended Thursday his record of inappropriately touching women as a symptom of his lifelong struggle with stuttering hands. “Since my childhood, I’ve been burdened with this debilitating problem—anytime I wrap my hands around a woman’s waist or give them a shoulder rub, it’s because of a nervous medical tick,” said Biden, choking up while recounting how much his uncontrollable caressing of women’s backs and touching of their faces have hurt him over the years. “I was often too ashamed in the past to speak about it, but I know there’s some teenager out there grabbing a classmate’s ass who needs to know they are not alone. I’ve dealt with the misfortune of seeing my hands reach out and pull a woman uncomfortably close to me and the embarrassment of them mocking me and saying ‘Stop doing that.’ I’ve worked to get it under control, and I want my supporters to be confident that I will only occasionally be touching women over the course of the presidential campaign.” At press time, Biden was attributing his support of the Iraq war and opposition to school busing as the result of a challenging brain stutter.

 

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The people this upsets are funnier than the joke. They’re not making fun of stuttering. They’re making fun of you for excusing every time he loses himself in his thoughts with stuttering-Look fat here’s the deal there’s nothing funny about you setting us up to lose to Trump again

It's true fat.

only neoliberals with Bernie Derangement Syndrome will have a problem with this post

Witless Bernie Bros Take Control Of The Onion, Suck As Bad As Their Failed Candidate.

I’m old enough to remember when your satire was actually funny...😒😒😒

This is pure ablism. Bullying. They don't get that this is an attack on me, not on some lofty 'establishment', but me and anyone who has been made fun of for stuttering. Christ.

This is pretty lame

Looks like all the replies here forgot that the Onion is a satire site and not a Democratic Party PR newsletter

Did y'all hire the writers from the Babylon Bee?

Guess that debate last night didn’t go as well as you sad clowns were hoping huh

A joke about stuttering, really? What happened to you.

Delete yourself

A joke about stutterers? Seriously?

When your office looks like this, you're gonna think shitty jokes like these are funny.

This is Babylon bee level humor

Go to hell You became a Fox/ Trump ally. Vomit.

y tho he actually stutters

This is fucking gross.

You were funny, once, before the current crop of lame nitwits took over.

What was the exact year you guys jumped the shark?

I thought onion was satire why is this posting real shit

This is amazing

You guys are about to restrict your market to the definitely-not-dying Bernie Bro movement Not cool to make fun of kids with stutters, either

So many Biden butt hurt supporters lol this is what's funnier than hell

This is tasteless The Onion. If he turns out to be the nominee, this kind of trash will help Trump get reelected. Blue No Matter Who!

I think The Onion and CNN swapped accounts

'But, but, but Bernie wrote a 'rape' essay in 1971', says the neocon/neolibs who defended Bill Clinton & Joe Biden for years, while making friends with Harvey Weinstein & Jeffrey Epstein

The amount of people Simping Biden on this satirical article tho

Have loved you for decades. But this shit is bad. Delete.

I dont' know what's real anymore.

Oh no not cool guys.

NOT witty... just pitiful.

Onion. Yes.

Is Trump editing your website? Or a 6th grade bully?

The lesser known thrilling sequel to 'Gifted Hands'

I hadn't realized until now that 'The Onion' had been acquired by a Russian troll factory. Russians have zero sense of humor.

Liberals loved the onion until it started making fun of them and now suddenly it’s bad to make jokes about people lmao

Wow, y'all *really* hate Joe Biden, huh?

shoe0nhead is this even satire anymore?

ok republicans

Onion had an existing Biden character/radically changed it to this dementia-suffering version while rarely portraying Bernie Sanders negatively. Satire is highly influential. Bias by the onion is, in this modern age, as intolerable as it is from a legit news source pandering

Fail

You joke, but the former Swedish minister of agriculture used the defence in court that he has vikings disease (dupuytren’s contracture) and therefore needs to move his hands and that he did not notice when he touched a woman’s skirt.

The Beaverton is better now.

Yeah, not funny.

Delete this.

what’s happening at the Daily Caller...er I mean the Onion

This is disgusting.

We are in the middle of a global pandemic with Trump at the wheel and you make fun of a stutter? Where do you get your material? Louis C.K.?

Busted: Corn Pop Trusted: Porn Cop

How about the stuttering nostrils?

Hahaha well he fits the description!

almstomnscnt

What happened to you?

Knew it

You guys are kind of overcorrecting for making Biden a meme.

You really ran out of material to laugh at Trump or you are just lazy?

Bruh, he's touching his nips.

It's time for the onion to unleash it's full power Unfortunately the uncle joe shit stuck years ago but now is the time to move forward

You went there

This should be your country’s biggest problem!

Biden is a bad dude

Feel bad if this is your candidate. Don't know what you're getting yourself into.

Don’t make fun of stuttering. Not funny.

😂😂😭

Don't give BidenBros any ideas, dammit.

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