GALVESTON, TX—A study conducted by marine biologists at Texas A&M University has found that bottlenose dolphins, long thought to be among the most intelligent members of the animal kingdom, are "utterly incapable" of pointing out the flaws of celebrities and knocking them down a peg or two.
Though analysis of MRI scans indicates dolphins possess self-awareness and the ability to form abstract thoughts, the study found the animals completely unable to comment ironically after being shown candid photographs of Hollywood power couples in their running gear., the marine animals exhibited no discernable reaction.specimens were shown pictures of Renée Zellweger in two dresses, one stunning and one hideous," said neurobiologist Anne Gross, who helped conduct the experiment.
Dolphins also fared poorly on assessments of emotional aptitude, scoring lower than chimpanzees on thequotient test, which measures an animal's ability to cruelly mock Kate Gosselin's performance onThe A&M team had hoped to build on recent breakthroughs in the field of cetacean celebrity ridicule, most notably a 2004 Japanese study in which scientists claimed to observe a sarcastic resemblance between the prolonged moans of a humpback whale and the muscular baritone featured on...
"The literature suggested a potential for snide mimicry in aquatic mammals, so when one of our dolphins downed 40 pounds of fish in a single feeding, we thought it could very well be some kind of Kirstie Alley impersonation," said Gross, pausing for several minutes as she pulled up data from her laptop. "Furthermore, oh my God, look at this: TMZ is reporting that Jessica Simpson is addicted to nicotine gum. What a fat bimbo.
"We know that dolphins use complex communication systems and possess a large neocortex more intricate than our own," Hodges said. "It's entirely possible they've developed petty new forms of below-the-belt star- bashing we haven't even conceived of yet.
And that’s why they are of no use to us.
AlanHunterMTV the prolonged moans of a humpback whale and the muscular baritone featured on Michael McDonald's recording of 'Ain't No Mountain High Enough.'
Gotta love The Onion
finally we know definitively that dolphins are smarter then humans
DavidBrin
They are the most intelligent species
Which is why Gawker fired them back in the day.
stupid porpoises
While dolphins enjoy the Super Bowl they don’t care about the regular season
You can put in front of me the biggest star, and I wouldn't recognize her/him. Even if I did, I would MAYBE say hi, or wave. Am I worse than a Dolphin?
Nah, I'm sure I could teach them to post this meme:
Dolphins gesturing when asked 'what about humans do you mock?'
✋✋✋✋✋✋✋✋✋✋
They openly mock porpoises. Of course they also mock celebrity culture. Get with the Dolphin times.
This research is largely disputed.
Give them time. They’re working on their DeNiro impressions right now. I’ve attended a few of the workshops. Its’s still rough, but making progress.
Who funded a study like this? Do we need to impeach realDonaldTrump to prevent these studies?
😂
billyeichner
Dolphins are just gay sharks.
So similar yet so different.
rickygervais you're needed.
PFTompkins WELL HOLD ON NOW
I'm sure they could if celebrities visited them.
Good one!
Fake news.
shame
Give them a billion years.
I first read it as they lack the the credibility to mock celebrity culture and I liked that better.