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Alcoholic’s Plan For Turning Life Around Doesn’t Involve Getting Sober

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SAVANNAH, GA—Realizing something needed to change before it was too late, local alcoholic Darren Weller laid out a plan for turning his life around Monday that had absolutely nothing to do with getting sober. “Today’s the day that I finally clean up my act and start taking the steps I need to better myself,” said the visibly intoxicated Weller to his fellow bar patrons, outlining a series of dramatic steps aimed at improving his physical and mental health that will in no way interfere with his crippling addiction to alcohol. “No more excuses. It’s time I went back to school and finished my degree. No more pizza and beer every night. I’ll probably live five more years just by having salad and beer. Who knows, I might even start getting a run in every night before I hit the bars. Yeah, I really feel like this is a new beginning.” At press time, Weller had passed out on his bar stool, already making good on his plan to get to sleep at a more reasonable hour.

 

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Lol

He was just drunk, forgive him.

tylerlord52

dbtsbass

felt that

haha I know it’s taboo now to laugh at any joke about alcoholism but this is a satire site, no idea who the intended target is, Ive had no drinks in over a month, and its funny

Stop making fun of me!

baby steps

grider_danny

The Onion. Making eyes water

Hi dad

hate you guys

If I can just constrain all my overindulgence to Friday & Saturday, I'll be fine.

Just laugh.

Best one yet

Ha! I've known this person

Sell your car. Then you have more money for booze. Don't have to worry about drunk driving. Take Uber or Lyft. But don't throw up in their car. They don't like that. I've found that out.

Strategy: Blacking out is normal, rampant mood swings, drunken rages, blatant disregard for loved ones, pissing on self, run-ins with cops weekly, and reserved sitting in the holding cell.

My dad said the same thing

_ThePrncss check and Mate.

If cutting back is too hard, quitting is a hell of a lot easier.

It's official. I'm an Onion caricature.

......or as we used to say, when the going gets tough the tough get pissed.

Cheers!

Only quitters give up👎🏻

'At press time, Weller had passed out on his bar stool, already making good on his plan to get to sleep at a more reasonable hour.'

Pro tech tip; don't drink.

A key part of AA is admitting you'll always be an alcoholic.

Little close to home...

Bruh

Ah, the 'I'm already in the dumpster' plan.

Oof

Deep

Pelosi ? Maybe she’s on psych meds which I’m sure anyone would be on if they lived in CA

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